The Leroy Jethro Gibbs List
by Noraque
Summary: Chuck Norris jokes are great. Leroy Jethro Gibbs jokes are better. How the team and others entertain themselves on a really boring day. Crack fic. Squint Jibbs, Gabby. May be continued if read and reviewed!


There are those moments in NCIS where the team well and truly has nothing to do. When they're not pursuing an active case, they're writing reports. When they're not writing up reports, they're working cold cases in hopes of catching a break. When they are no cold cases to be worked, they find ways of annoying one another, usually instigated by one Tony DiNozzo, who would frequently start sending jokes and paper balls towards Timothy McGee and Ziva David when his latest game of Tetris no longer interested him. And yet there are those times when even Tony couldn't find amusement in his latest pranks- these are the rare times when one must put every ounce of their brainpower to come up with something until their next case so they're not bored to self-termination.

And that's how the 'Leroy Jethro Gibbs List' was born. Though nobody is entirely 100% sure, many suspected the instigator of this little job was none other than Tony, given that he was fairly upbeat and cheerful about his alleged 'brilliant ideas'. Though originally it was merely exclusive to Gibbs' team itself, it was soon passed by e-mail throughout the entire Naval Yard- with some saying it even went beyond that. It was a simple procedure where everyone would either give their vote for one of the options on the list or else add their own before sending it to someone else. Then, as Tony announced, the one with the most votes would be presented to the Bossman himself- right after someone bravely volunteered to take part in that probable suicide mission.

**Tony**

_There are no such things as earthquakes on the West Coast. The tremors felt are the aftershocks of Gibbs walking out of the bullpen after being told that no one's found any leads._

The ex-cop choked on his coffee and quickly thumped his chest to clear his windpipe, all the while grinning like a Cheshire cat and quickly put down his vote for that one. He had no doubt that this was indeed true; telling Gibbs that you've uncovered nothing was practically guaranteed to set off a chain reaction across the continent. He often wondered why there weren't more cases of earthquakes being reported considering the frequency of Gibbs' wrath nowadays.

You know now that he thought about, the last time Gibbs had been legitimately seriously pissed off about a lack of leads, he could almost swear that it was right before that massive earthquake that devastated Haiti. Maybe he should have a talk with the boss about the far reaching consequences of his actions.

"DiNozzo!"

Then again, maybe not.

**McGee**

_Gibbs didn't need to use his sniper rifle in the Marines. His stare blew a hole in the heads of every enemy he'd ever looked at._

A small smile spread across the face of the MIT graduate. That was actually very believable; having been on the receiving end of many a Gibbs stare, he had long concluded that Gibbs' look was just as dangerous as his sniper rifle. Maybe even more so. He gave his vote for this one and passed it along; he was getting the distinct feeling that he was in the direct line of sight of two dangerous scopes/weapons.

**Ziva**

_Gibbs didn't shoot Saleem back in Somalia. The bullet jumped out of the rifle out of fear of what Gibbs would do if it didn't_.

The former Mossad officer laughed her ass off, cast her vote and passed it along. Now that that horrible ugly day was in the past, she could look upon it with humour. And, of course, that was just typical Gibbs; the former marine had managed to pull her beaten, tortured body out of that compound and into safety without the slightest hesitation or hint of fear. If that wasn't definition of awesomeness, she didn't know what was. The mere image of Gibbs effortlessly prompting a bullet to fly out of his rifle made the newest NCIS agent grin uncontrollably.

**Abby**

_Gibbs once walked into Times Square shirtless. The cleanup bill for the amount of screens destroyed numbered in the billions._

That one was getting increasingly popular with the females in NCIS. Then again, the Goth scientist could understand why. After all, it wasn't every day that a silver-haired ex-marine took off his shirt. Abby had always secretly hoped that one day she would be able to see him without it. Now after reading this, maybe it was a good thing she hadn't.

**Ducky**

_Gibbs didn't get transferred to NCIS. The USMC sent him there out of fear when the coffee machine broke._

After the Scotsman's insides stopped hurting and he could breathe again, he cast his vote for this particular option and passed it along. He had long feared that the ex-sniper's coffee addiction would be the death of him. Now, after reading this, he was becoming increasingly certain that it would be the death of everyone around Gibbs should his coffee supply run out. The last time the coffee machine had broken at the Naval Yard, the senior ME had literally had to shield Jimmy Palmer with his own body after Palmer had accidently dropped an autopsy blade near Gibbs' foot. It was a damn good thing that the former marine was on their side.

**Jenny**

_Gibbs knows the weak spot in Director Shepard's iron personality._

Jenny couldn't help but giggle a little bit when she saw this one. She couldn't help but think that she was the one who knew the weak spot in his personality but she also knew these things worked both ways. Besides, it was completely true that Gibbs had certainly found a weak spot of hers- that part of her body hadn't been the same in months.

**Palmer**

_If you have twenty dollars and Gibbs has twenty dollars, Gibbs has a hell of a lot more money than you could ever dream of having._

At first Palmer wasn't too sure about this. By logic, twenty dollars is twenty dollars- regardless of who has it. Then he remembered exactly who Gibbs was and recalled that incident with the autopsy knife. He quickly cast his vote for this one.

**Fornell**

_If you can see Gibbs, you know that Death is quickly coming for you. If you can't see Gibbs, don't bother trying- you're already dead._

The FBI agent let out a hearty laugh and cast his vote. In all the time he'd known Gibbs, he knew that if anyone was going to kill you from a distance where you'd never see them it was Gibbs. The man's sniper skills were second to none. As he leaned back in his chair, he couldn't help but notice that his window was open and in full view of a tall skyscraper. He nervously sunk down in his seat and rolled his way out of the view.

**Vance**

_Gibbs doesn't need any backup weapons except for toothpicks. He once set the world record for killing a person with a spat toothpick from the farthest distance away._

Vance blinked. This was not what the NCIS e-mail had been designed for. Improper use of technology was on the rise again. Then he recalled the dangerous look in Gibbs' eye the last time he was in his office. He promptly took his box of toothpicks off his desk and stuck it out of sight in a drawer.

**Gibbs**

_Gibbs is fully aware he's in a TV show. He just gives the cameras a middle finger and they promptly set themselves to record his every move as if he's a real person._

Gibbs was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to see the list, but he did find it moderately amusing. He had a pretty good idea of who it was that started up the damn thing. And at least it meant that his team was comfortable- or perhaps ballsy- enough to joke about him. This one was his favourite, even if he didn't really understand what it was implying, and cast his vote accordingly. He wouldn't mention this to his team and would wait until they decided to present him with the one with the most votes. Then he'd silently enjoy and laugh along with it.

Right before he got his hands on DiNozzo.

**A/N: Total crack fic. Chuck Norris jokes are good. Leroy Jethro Gibbs jokes are much better. Should I go on with this? Tell me how it is so far!**


End file.
